[It's such a strange relief to see him, even though she hates that he's out in the cold right now. Her eyes are brighter than normal, that shimmering sort of bright that signals held back tears. She touches the 'Gear screen, pressing her fingertips to it and not caring that he can see what she's doing. She's just glad to be able to look at his face and be certain he's here.]
[She wants him physically with her very badly right now. And it's touching that he offers, and she can't keep the relief and small bit of desperation out of her voice.]
[She's at the door in her thick robe as soon as she gets his text. He doesn't come to the house often, and he's rarely gone out of his way to seek her out even knowing she's upset. She remembers a few weeks ago, their conversation over breakfast. He really has changed for the better, even if he doesn't realize it.]
Thank you.
[The house is quiet, the other inhabitants either sleeping or out for the night or doing whatever it was they did in the private of their sleeping areas after the house went dark. Even Guttle is still sleeping, and it's Lust's young Houndour that's at her heels when she greets Scar.]
[She doesn't bother to specify what she's thanking him for.]
Scar only nodded as he stepped inside. Miriam was awake, but still sluggish and curled up in his coat. It was nice, at least, to step into the warm. He took off his slushy shoes and left them by the door.
He just wasn't sure what he should do now. Scar looked in Lust's direction, trying to see if she had settled any.
Lust was still visibly distressed. She also looked tired, up close. She'd been sleeping less, since her nightmare. It was harder to fall asleep.
"Would you like something hot to drink? I was thinking about tea." She kept her voice low. She didn't wait for him to finish before she was moving to do just that. "I'm sorry I'm so emotional tonight. I usually keep it to myself or wake Envy if it's particularly bad, but..."
But they'd already been talking when it came upon her, and only Scar himself could make her feel any better right now.
Scar started to say that he could get it himself, but she was already off toward the kitchen. His frown tightened, and he followed her. What was he supposed to say? He had to think for a moment.
"Bad in general?" He knew how difficult nights could go. Sometimes it was one thing endlessly eating away, sometimes it was everything.
"Sometimes at night, my thoughts...just turn to unpleasant things. Sad things. Regrets and fears and self doubt." She preferred making the tea, it gave her something to focus on so she didn't have to look at him as she admitted her emotional weaknesses. But she could admit them to him.
For god's sake, he'd already seen her at her worst, her most desperate and pathetic. There was little shame in admitting to unpleasant thoughts when the darkness closed in.
"It's worse some nights than others. Then I had an awful dream not too long ago, the nights have been worse since." She set out two prepared mugs and leaned against the counter as she waited for the water to boil.
Scar was struggling to not just awkwardly hover. He watched her while she focused on the tea.
"Nights are always worse. The mind is tired and defenses lower whether you try to or not." If she wanted to talk about the dream, she would. He didn't know how to ask her about it, but he knew how to live through it night after night.
He paused another moment, eyes darting down before he reached to give her hand a light squeeze. He tried not to feel foolish or out of place. He would know soon enough if it had been the wrong thing to do.
Lust nodded. That was it exactly, there was no controlling the thoughts at night. During the day they'd sometimes come upon her, but they were easy to push away and ignore. At night in bed, it was as though her own mind turned against her no matter how she tried to structure her thoughts.
When he reached for her hand, Lust's fingers turned to hold onto his. Physical comfort was a double edged sword, she craved it and wanted it desperately but still shied away from it in so many cases. It was worse with Scar, who's comfort she wanted most but who was most cautious of even mild physical contact.
"I try and think of other things, but it doesn't matter. I can only hold them for a few moments."
This was something he was entirely unfamiliar with- trying to be the calming presence, trying to think of the right thing to say that might make things seem less awful. But he knew, from being on the other end of this for so long, that almost nothing ever truly helped. Nothing he was fully comfortable doing, anyway. He didn't have any experience to draw from.
He had to stop being so worried. Hadn't they just been talking about this?
"It only helps until I lie back down." And then the unpleasant thoughts came creeping back. "I know it's normal, in a fashion, and apparently winter brings it on worse, but that doesn't make it any better."
Lust grasped his hand and turned toward him, head lowered and shaking slightly as she tried to shake off the lingering fears and sorrows. She didn't reach for him, she only shifted her body so she was faced towards him and angled into the broad shield of his chest.
If Scar's tongue hadn't felt stuck in his throat, maybe he would have said something. When she turned, it dawned on him what he should do, but he still hesitated. She would have reached for him if she wanted to, right?
Although, Scar couldn't even begin to count the times he had so desperately wanted something and not taken it, especially when it involved Lust. Was she the same way?
Holding his breath without realizing, Scar slowly slipped his arms around her shoulders to hold her in a tentative embrace. He could pull away, if it became evident that he had done the wrong thing.
Once Scar initiated the contact, Lust let herself sink into it. And him. She relaxed against his chest and leaned her head against him, closing her eyes for the moment. There was always something so grounding and reassuring in being held, in any way, by another person. And for Scar to hold her...
He was big and solid and warm and safe. So many of her fears centered around him anyway - something happening to him, losing him, making a mess of this growing thing between them. But right here and now she was sad and he'd come to her and now he was holding her and it did a great deal to chase those fears away.
Scar relaxed as soon as Lust did. He couldn't think of an angle to guide his actions from. This wasn't a time for What would Alphonse do? or What would his younger self do? This was unique to him and Lust. There wasn't some 'safe' way out.
He wanted to promise that it would be okay, that he would be here. But he couldn't. He honestly couldn't.
Which was the source of all of this upset in the first place.
Scar had thought about ending it. On more than one occasion during the past month, he had nearly called her, nearly asked her to meet him someplace so they could talk, so he could tell her that this wasn't good for her, that they shouldn't attach to each other or rely on each other. He wasn't fit to be anyone's partner like this.
But neither was she, really. They had to learn. No matter how many times Scar weighed the options in his mind, cutting her off or letting this grow, it was always the former that felt it would only be steeped in regret, especially when one of them was gone. The fear kept resurfacing. What if one of them were gone tomorrow? The thought alone was enough for him to tighten his hold on her, protective and clinging. His own defenses were what kept this back. The only thing, really. But there was no need for them with her. Once it was done, it was done. There would be nothing they could do.
Without thinking much about it, Lust's arms went around Scar, her hands pressing against his shoulder blades and gripping him tightly. She was so aware of the warmth of him and scent of him, real and alive and there. It was a comfort and reassurance she didn't realize she'd needed this badly.
It was terrifying, really, to be at the emotional mercy of another person. There was nothing either of them could do about it. Somehow, somewhere along the line, Scar had become tangled and twined intimately and inseparably with Lust's own hopes and wants and dreads. It had happened even before they came to this place. She thought of a possible happy future and life, and Scar is there. She knows that's not quite right, not how humans normally love, so desperately and deeply with so little to go on, but...
They were different, she and Scar. The past that stretched out behind them, the ghosts that still sometimes lingered between them, their own brokenness. They were broken in different ways, and not irreparable, but they were very broken people. That was all part of it, though. There was no one else who could possibly put them back together but one another. They'd always been linked and connected, in some way. It was stupid and dangerous to need him so badly, but she did.
Waking up human in this world hadn't returned to her anything she'd lost. Hearing his voice had.
He hadn't realized how much more he could still relax, but he did when Lust returned the embrace. Scar's eyes fell closed, his constant alertness that came from being in this damn house easing as she clung to him. None of this was familiar, but it was so... peaceful. It was quiet and comforting and warm and now Scar felt as if dragging away would take some sort of insurmountable effort. Even breathing came with slight difficulty. This wasn't frightening.
What was frightening was how okay he was with it. How he was so willing to let go and be held by her, and to hold her back.
Scar didn't know how long he had stood in silence, but the question was only a faint one in the back of his foggy head. He wasn't going to move until it seemed that she wanted him to.
Time did that little trick where it seemed to step aside and cease existing. Lust just stood there, holding and being held, taking in everything she could from Scar. She felt his heart against her cheek and listened to the steady rhythm of it.
It wasn't until the kettle on the stove began to whistle that Lust drew away, and even then with reluctance. But the light, shrill sound startled her out of her comfortable reverie and she drew her head back quickly. She was only aware of the faint damp on her cheeks then - stupid biology. She wasn't even sad anymore. Just...full of emotions. Somehow it left her with a small smile and faint tear tracks together.
But as she drew away, her hands briefly touched the sides of Scar's face, cupping it gently for less than a moment before dropping and turning to lift the kettle from the heat.
"I'm glad you're here tonight."
It didn't say even a fraction of what she wanted to, what she felt inside of her, but she couldn't seem to manage anything else.
Scar felt a shot of panic when he caught sight of the damp steaks down Lust's face. He knew that sometimes it could take next to nothing to bring on a strong reaction, but he couldn't help the damn need to help, even if there wasn't really anything to be helped.
"Are you all right?" Scar stayed close, watching her. He could barely ever tell what brought on his own irrational bouts of emotion. He had no hope of reading hers.
"I'm fine, really, I am." She wiped at her eyes and shook her head. "It just happens sometimes. It's not even necessarily when I'm upset - it happens when I'm very happy, or someone does something particularly kind, or...any strong feelings, I suppose. It's the most frustrating thing..."
With the tea poured and set to steep, Lust stepped back into the circle of Scar's personal space, her head leaning against his chest again.
"It's been happening a great deal at acts of kindness of late."
Still tentative, Scar lifted his hands to lightly stroke Lust's hair. He had never done this, but it was intuitive, more or less. And he wanted to. He couldn't explain it, but he had the string urge just to touch her.
He only nodded at her explanation, his eyes actually softening for a moment. She explained things from such an odd perspective, like she'd never known that strong emotions caused certain reactions. It wasn't exactly the answer Scar had been looking for, but he would take it.
"I'm still just getting used to this. Comfort like this. I think the only person that's ever held me to make me feel better is Envy, and that was because I had a nightmare." And it had happened then, too, only not nearly as obviously and quickly. And it had been just recently. She supposed she shouldn't be surprised what simple affection from Scar could do to her. They'd never held each other. The one time she'd put her arms around him could hardly be termed an embrace of any sort.
"I was so miserable and then I felt so much better, and my eyes leaked. I really am alright."
A small, single note laugh escaped Lust at that. She looked up, a bit startled by the expression on his face. It wasn't one she could remember seeing before.
"That's all it is." She didn't sob, she didn't shake, she didn't make those great disgusting wet noises that came with proper crying or turn red. "Just a bit of moisture from the eyes, nothing more. I'd stop it if I could."
Though it had stopped on its own - there was rarely very much.
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Sometimes I wish it weren't all so uncertain.
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Nothing ever seems to hit her so hard. It's strange to see her like this at all, and it stirs an instinct he doesn't know how to properly express.]
That would be too much of a luxury, in light of all of this.
[He's visibly hesitating on something for a moment.]
Would you like me to come over?
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[She wants him physically with her very badly right now. And it's touching that he offers, and she can't keep the relief and small bit of desperation out of her voice.]
I could use your company.
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I'll message you when I'm there.
[It's only a few minutes before he sends her a text to say that he's at the door. He can only hope that everyone else is asleep.]
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Thank you.
[The house is quiet, the other inhabitants either sleeping or out for the night or doing whatever it was they did in the private of their sleeping areas after the house went dark. Even Guttle is still sleeping, and it's Lust's young Houndour that's at her heels when she greets Scar.]
[She doesn't bother to specify what she's thanking him for.]
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He just wasn't sure what he should do now. Scar looked in Lust's direction, trying to see if she had settled any.
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"Would you like something hot to drink? I was thinking about tea." She kept her voice low. She didn't wait for him to finish before she was moving to do just that. "I'm sorry I'm so emotional tonight. I usually keep it to myself or wake Envy if it's particularly bad, but..."
But they'd already been talking when it came upon her, and only Scar himself could make her feel any better right now.
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"Bad in general?" He knew how difficult nights could go. Sometimes it was one thing endlessly eating away, sometimes it was everything.
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For god's sake, he'd already seen her at her worst, her most desperate and pathetic. There was little shame in admitting to unpleasant thoughts when the darkness closed in.
"It's worse some nights than others. Then I had an awful dream not too long ago, the nights have been worse since." She set out two prepared mugs and leaned against the counter as she waited for the water to boil.
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"Nights are always worse. The mind is tired and defenses lower whether you try to or not." If she wanted to talk about the dream, she would. He didn't know how to ask her about it, but he knew how to live through it night after night.
He paused another moment, eyes darting down before he reached to give her hand a light squeeze. He tried not to feel foolish or out of place. He would know soon enough if it had been the wrong thing to do.
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When he reached for her hand, Lust's fingers turned to hold onto his. Physical comfort was a double edged sword, she craved it and wanted it desperately but still shied away from it in so many cases. It was worse with Scar, who's comfort she wanted most but who was most cautious of even mild physical contact.
"I try and think of other things, but it doesn't matter. I can only hold them for a few moments."
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This was something he was entirely unfamiliar with- trying to be the calming presence, trying to think of the right thing to say that might make things seem less awful. But he knew, from being on the other end of this for so long, that almost nothing ever truly helped. Nothing he was fully comfortable doing, anyway. He didn't have any experience to draw from.
He had to stop being so worried. Hadn't they just been talking about this?
But what would Lust even want from him?
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Lust grasped his hand and turned toward him, head lowered and shaking slightly as she tried to shake off the lingering fears and sorrows. She didn't reach for him, she only shifted her body so she was faced towards him and angled into the broad shield of his chest.
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If Scar's tongue hadn't felt stuck in his throat, maybe he would have said something. When she turned, it dawned on him what he should do, but he still hesitated. She would have reached for him if she wanted to, right?
Although, Scar couldn't even begin to count the times he had so desperately wanted something and not taken it, especially when it involved Lust. Was she the same way?
Holding his breath without realizing, Scar slowly slipped his arms around her shoulders to hold her in a tentative embrace. He could pull away, if it became evident that he had done the wrong thing.
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He was big and solid and warm and safe. So many of her fears centered around him anyway - something happening to him, losing him, making a mess of this growing thing between them. But right here and now she was sad and he'd come to her and now he was holding her and it did a great deal to chase those fears away.
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He wanted to promise that it would be okay, that he would be here. But he couldn't. He honestly couldn't.
Which was the source of all of this upset in the first place.
Scar had thought about ending it. On more than one occasion during the past month, he had nearly called her, nearly asked her to meet him someplace so they could talk, so he could tell her that this wasn't good for her, that they shouldn't attach to each other or rely on each other. He wasn't fit to be anyone's partner like this.
But neither was she, really. They had to learn. No matter how many times Scar weighed the options in his mind, cutting her off or letting this grow, it was always the former that felt it would only be steeped in regret, especially when one of them was gone. The fear kept resurfacing. What if one of them were gone tomorrow? The thought alone was enough for him to tighten his hold on her, protective and clinging. His own defenses were what kept this back. The only thing, really. But there was no need for them with her. Once it was done, it was done. There would be nothing they could do.
He couldn't bring himself to waste time, anymore.
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It was terrifying, really, to be at the emotional mercy of another person. There was nothing either of them could do about it. Somehow, somewhere along the line, Scar had become tangled and twined intimately and inseparably with Lust's own hopes and wants and dreads. It had happened even before they came to this place. She thought of a possible happy future and life, and Scar is there. She knows that's not quite right, not how humans normally love, so desperately and deeply with so little to go on, but...
They were different, she and Scar. The past that stretched out behind them, the ghosts that still sometimes lingered between them, their own brokenness. They were broken in different ways, and not irreparable, but they were very broken people. That was all part of it, though. There was no one else who could possibly put them back together but one another. They'd always been linked and connected, in some way. It was stupid and dangerous to need him so badly, but she did.
Waking up human in this world hadn't returned to her anything she'd lost. Hearing his voice had.
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What was frightening was how okay he was with it. How he was so willing to let go and be held by her, and to hold her back.
Scar didn't know how long he had stood in silence, but the question was only a faint one in the back of his foggy head. He wasn't going to move until it seemed that she wanted him to.
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It wasn't until the kettle on the stove began to whistle that Lust drew away, and even then with reluctance. But the light, shrill sound startled her out of her comfortable reverie and she drew her head back quickly. She was only aware of the faint damp on her cheeks then - stupid biology. She wasn't even sad anymore. Just...full of emotions. Somehow it left her with a small smile and faint tear tracks together.
But as she drew away, her hands briefly touched the sides of Scar's face, cupping it gently for less than a moment before dropping and turning to lift the kettle from the heat.
"I'm glad you're here tonight."
It didn't say even a fraction of what she wanted to, what she felt inside of her, but she couldn't seem to manage anything else.
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"Are you all right?" Scar stayed close, watching her. He could barely ever tell what brought on his own irrational bouts of emotion. He had no hope of reading hers.
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With the tea poured and set to steep, Lust stepped back into the circle of Scar's personal space, her head leaning against his chest again.
"It's been happening a great deal at acts of kindness of late."
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He only nodded at her explanation, his eyes actually softening for a moment. She explained things from such an odd perspective, like she'd never known that strong emotions caused certain reactions. It wasn't exactly the answer Scar had been looking for, but he would take it.
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"I was so miserable and then I felt so much better, and my eyes leaked. I really am alright."
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What was it about her?
A faint smile cracked his stony features, relieved and amused all at once. It felt unfamiliar, but... natural. He couldn't stop it, really.
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"That's all it is." She didn't sob, she didn't shake, she didn't make those great disgusting wet noises that came with proper crying or turn red. "Just a bit of moisture from the eyes, nothing more. I'd stop it if I could."
Though it had stopped on its own - there was rarely very much.
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