It was a government-sanctioned genocide of nearly my entire people. I did not even know if any others survived until nearly ten years later. So I... started killing them. The soldiers who had distorted our natural world and destroyed my home. Even after the war was over, the violence continued, and as long as it continued, I carried on that path. My actions were a disgrace against God, regardless of their necessity. Such a person does not deserve their holy name.
[They just...they just killed people because the government commanded it? That's horrible but--
Something catches in her throat as she remembers back on an incident--a tall, burly man much like Scar, tattooed like Scar, speaking bitterly about the school's genocide of his people--immortal wolves like him.
Magical creatures were considered an abomination to Lord Death, they would harm humans. At least that's what was said.
A cold feeling washes over Maka, the horror of realization--she is no different than the soldiers that killed Scar's people, that harmed him so horribly.
--Stop. Don't do that, Maka. Think instead of how you'll change the world when you get back. A world where people are killed for their very existence--otherwise harmless--is unacceptable. Kid wouldn't allow that even if his father did. Have faith.
Her voice sounds a little thick as she responds:] You were hurt. Nobody should blame you for being hurt. You might be banged up a little, but your soul's still good.
...I've killed, too. Monsters, I tell people here, so it just gives them the impression I'm some slayer. But that's not true, those monsters...used to be people. I never considered if there was a way to save them from their corruption, I just did as I was told and killed them. Then I would harvest their souls and feed them to my Weapon partner.
Nothing can be placed on such a black and white level. I know little of your home, but I have learned enough to know that you were fed through a school to drill these things into you from a young age. You have learned differently for yourself, now. That is far more important than the corrupt intentions of a misinformed child.
When something you used to call a person begins acting like a monster, there is only so much you can stand until you begin to believe that they must be one. There reaches a certain point where there is very little left to salvage, where any resemblance disappears. Rejecting them becomes the easiest option.
Do you think that about yourself? That you're a monster?
I know...I know now that it probably wasn't right to condition kids like me to fight witches. Or anybody. That the adults should have held more responsibility for the war that they started instead of recruiting us to help them fight. But I'll never consider myself a monster for doing what I thought would protect people from being hurt. I just want to continue protecting people, because I know it's the right thing to do.
So I'll ask again, do you think that you're a monster?
[Well then maybe you shouldn't be a vague baby, Scar.]
I mean the people whom we have seen as monsters. It becomes easy to call something less than human when it has failed to meet some personal expectation for what a human truly is.
It is a complex subject, where I come from. People do not chose to fall from humanity. It is through no fault of their own but out of the foolishness of others.
[He imagines it would be easier, if it were the other way around.]
I think...this may be an issue of metaphors versus literal speech.
[Only just now she's bringing this up??]
Being a human is seen as the weakest and most undesirable thing in my world, by...a lot of people. The gods that supposedly ruled over us were totally indifferent to us as individuals, and so let bad things start happening all over. People started growing afraid and felt like they needed to become like gods in order to have strength, not necessarily courage. So...they would...kill good people and eat their souls, their bodies change and they become what we call "Kishin eggs"--the precursor to becoming a demon god.
I think...even if humans aren't physically strong, they have something gods don't have. They have courage and they have persistence, it's just some people don't realize it and give up on humanity.
"Human" is only a way of describing a person who is born naturally and mortal, in my world. There are some who think they surpass humanity by being something else, but others seek humanity. A dead person must be transmuted to become something else. A distorted and stripped version of their former selves.
[He hesitates for a moment.]
That is how the homunculi came into existence. Lust, and the people she calls her siblings. Their nature is not their doing.
I trust you, I simply needed to be certain. The subject is sensitive, for reasons that are obvious. It simply serves to explanation for their sometimes strange ways.
I've only let myself call two men in my whole life here and at home "father." They've both hurt me, betrayed my trust somehow. First my natural father by abandoning me and my mother to sleep around, then this found father by leaving Johto.
I know it's irrational, but I take trust seriously.
It is not irrational. Trust is best left earned, rather than given freely.
I cannot remember what my father looked like, or anything of him. But I have experienced my share of loss, and what it can do to the ways we connect with people.
[In that way, Maka lost something intrinsic, the ability to bond with people on the level of intimate closeness. Contradictory considering her own nature of being kind and giving. Even speaking frankly like this with another person is something she'll look back on and regret later, because it opened up something that can be used against her.
But when push comes to shove, one has to realize that it's not a bad thing to open up and life is about taking risks. Sure, she'll probably always have difficulty with trusting people, but Maka will remind herself--again--there is nothing wrong with her. She is not a broken person. She shouldn't wallow in guilt and doubt about what she's done and what's been done to her.]
You know what he taught me, the man I knew here? He'd pretend to not give a shit, he'd say strange things, he'd cover up his eyes and call himself by an assumed name so nobody would try to get close to him.
But he taught me to care about myself. He taught me that if anyone is going to make me feel bad about myself, they're not worth my time. He showed me that I shouldn't run away from the idea of getting close to people just because of things that happened in my past, just because of perceived shortcomings, because being close to another person means making them happy, it means they make you happy. You make a whole lot of new happiness together, no matter what pieces broke off of you along the way to meeting them.
I'm not a broken person, I'm not a monster--in the metaphorical or literal sense--I have friends and family made here, and...people that I feel comfortable with making a new life for myself here. Not to forget my past, but to create a better future.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
It was a government-sanctioned genocide of nearly my entire people. I did not even know if any others survived until nearly ten years later. So I... started killing them. The soldiers who had distorted our natural world and destroyed my home. Even after the war was over, the violence continued, and as long as it continued, I carried on that path. My actions were a disgrace against God, regardless of their necessity. Such a person does not deserve their holy name.
no subject
Something catches in her throat as she remembers back on an incident--a tall, burly man much like Scar, tattooed like Scar, speaking bitterly about the school's genocide of his people--immortal wolves like him.
Magical creatures were considered an abomination to Lord Death, they would harm humans. At least that's what was said.
A cold feeling washes over Maka, the horror of realization--she is no different than the soldiers that killed Scar's people, that harmed him so horribly.
--Stop. Don't do that, Maka. Think instead of how you'll change the world when you get back. A world where people are killed for their very existence--otherwise harmless--is unacceptable. Kid wouldn't allow that even if his father did. Have faith.
Her voice sounds a little thick as she responds:] You were hurt. Nobody should blame you for being hurt. You might be banged up a little, but your soul's still good.
no subject
[He hates facing this fact, but he rejected Lust just as he had rejected his brother.]
I cast out those who were my family in blind hatred. I had no right to condemn them, after what I had done.
no subject
I'm no better. I have no right to judge, Scar.
no subject
[Her wording strikes him... quite personally, though.]
When something you used to call a person begins acting like a monster, there is only so much you can stand until you begin to believe that they must be one. There reaches a certain point where there is very little left to salvage, where any resemblance disappears. Rejecting them becomes the easiest option.
no subject
I know...I know now that it probably wasn't right to condition kids like me to fight witches. Or anybody. That the adults should have held more responsibility for the war that they started instead of recruiting us to help them fight. But I'll never consider myself a monster for doing what I thought would protect people from being hurt. I just want to continue protecting people, because I know it's the right thing to do.
So I'll ask again, do you think that you're a monster?
no subject
[Well then maybe you shouldn't be a vague baby, Scar.]
I mean the people whom we have seen as monsters. It becomes easy to call something less than human when it has failed to meet some personal expectation for what a human truly is.
no subject
...And don't let yourself get corrupted and warp your body and soul into an inhuman creature because you want power.
no subject
[He imagines it would be easier, if it were the other way around.]
no subject
[Only just now she's bringing this up??]
Being a human is seen as the weakest and most undesirable thing in my world, by...a lot of people. The gods that supposedly ruled over us were totally indifferent to us as individuals, and so let bad things start happening all over. People started growing afraid and felt like they needed to become like gods in order to have strength, not necessarily courage. So...they would...kill good people and eat their souls, their bodies change and they become what we call "Kishin eggs"--the precursor to becoming a demon god.
I think...even if humans aren't physically strong, they have something gods don't have. They have courage and they have persistence, it's just some people don't realize it and give up on humanity.
no subject
[He hesitates for a moment.]
That is how the homunculi came into existence. Lust, and the people she calls her siblings. Their nature is not their doing.
no subject
[A corpse revived? Without consent? That's so cruel, who could be that selfish to do that to another person.]
Homunculi...I know the term, but I never thought any could exist. Kishin eggs are living people, and they revel in what they've become.
no subject
I trust I am telling you these things in confidence.
no subject
no subject
no subject
[A pause. She was getting a little off topic. No, steer it back to the subject, Maka.
...Except now she's thinking of the kishin eggs she was sent to kill actually being homunculi like Lust and feeling ill.]
no subject
Are you all right?
no subject
All right.
He shared with her, time to reciprocate.]
I've only let myself call two men in my whole life here and at home "father." They've both hurt me, betrayed my trust somehow. First my natural father by abandoning me and my mother to sleep around, then this found father by leaving Johto.
I know it's irrational, but I take trust seriously.
no subject
I cannot remember what my father looked like, or anything of him. But I have experienced my share of loss, and what it can do to the ways we connect with people.
[And they ways he just couldn't, anymore.]
no subject
But when push comes to shove, one has to realize that it's not a bad thing to open up and life is about taking risks. Sure, she'll probably always have difficulty with trusting people, but Maka will remind herself--again--there is nothing wrong with her. She is not a broken person. She shouldn't wallow in guilt and doubt about what she's done and what's been done to her.]
You know what he taught me, the man I knew here? He'd pretend to not give a shit, he'd say strange things, he'd cover up his eyes and call himself by an assumed name so nobody would try to get close to him.
But he taught me to care about myself. He taught me that if anyone is going to make me feel bad about myself, they're not worth my time. He showed me that I shouldn't run away from the idea of getting close to people just because of things that happened in my past, just because of perceived shortcomings, because being close to another person means making them happy, it means they make you happy. You make a whole lot of new happiness together, no matter what pieces broke off of you along the way to meeting them.
I'm not a broken person, I'm not a monster--in the metaphorical or literal sense--I have friends and family made here, and...people that I feel comfortable with making a new life for myself here. Not to forget my past, but to create a better future.
That's what I think.