008 ☓ anon text

[envy_the_sinners]

[It's been a while since Scar has openly addressed the network. He has had little reason or want to.

But it's late, and he's back to thinking about all that's happened in the past few weeks, and things are more like they were back home than they ever have been. He's more alone than ever.]

I made a mistake, recently. It changed something that cannot be fixed. In retrospect, none of it is a surprise, but the loss has affected me far more than I thought it would.

[He doesn't know what he's asking for, or if he's even asking for anything.]

I never realized how much I didn't want things to go back to the way they were until they did. I would prefer going home. It would be for the best.

[Regardless of what going home actually means.]

Comments

[anon text]

[unkinder]

You thought you wanted something, and now that you have it, you regret it. Right?

Unfortunately, this world doesn't generally care about whether a person wants to leave it or not.

[nullorvoid]

[Ginti isn't bothering with anon; he doesn't see much point in it. If this other person wants to keep it that way it's fine, but on his end he can't really imagine that it matters.]

Going home's not really an option and if it was I would have left this place weeks ago, but if that's the case then I guess you're stuck with whatever you can get off of this thing. I don't know what you're looking for, catharsis or advice or what, it's hard to tell in writing but I'm guessing if you're doing this at all you want someone to listen or something at least because people tend to do that here.

I've got a lot of experience with people doing stuff they can't go back from, but I don't know what you want, if you want advice I'm not the greatest but I'll give it a shot for you, if you want to just wallow and have someone listen to you do that then I'm going to be here all day.

Either way, sometimes you can't plan for how you're going to react to stuff, even if you thought you'd be okay with something that you're not okay with doesn't mean that you're stupid for thinking it. There's a lot of stupid in this world but not being able to predict feelings isn't part of it, that's something I've had to figure out here for myself.

[anon text]

[envy_the_sinners]

I do not know what I wanted. I am not used to wanting things of a personal nature. I acted out on emotions, and it was a mistake, as it frequently is.

[In short, he's a drama queen.]

text;

[ignisinfernale]

you got all the time in the world here
plenty of time to fix shit up

[ As scalding as it sounds, Mikoto honestly means well. ]

Not Terribly Anon Text

[anexcitableboy]

It's called 'life', buddy. I don't know what happened or what you lost, but that's just every god damned day of human existence. We all lose shit all the time. Important shit. You make mistakes. You feel shitty about it. Sometimes you hurt people or ruin something or mess everything up for everybody. Sometimes you ruin it so bad it can't ever be fixed and you hate yourself for every god damned thing you said and your girl won't ever talk to you again just 'cause of some fucking stupid mistake you made.

[This is hitting a personal spot for Jimmy.]

Anyway, then you pick yourself the hell up up and find something new. And probably fuck that up, too, because people always fuck up. But at least you had it for a little while.

And look, you don't want things to go back to however they were, just don't let them. You've got that power. Even if we've lost everything, we still got ourself. That's something I learned here from somebody real special.

[envy_the_sinners]

[Captain Melodrama prefers to stay on anon.]

I'm not sure. I know that there is little point to reaching out into a void, but life in this place is very different from what I am accustomed to.

I have lived without personal connections in the way most people know them for a long time. Acclimating back is proving impossible. I suspect that I have been gone for too long.

I appreciate your responding, for whatever it may be worth.

[nullorvoid]

Like I said, I've got all day but you're welcome.

If that's the case though getting all catastrophic isn't going to help anything because you're going to screw up. People who are good at this sort of thing and have those sorts of connections naturally screw up all the damn time, sometimes you just kind of have to throw your hands up and accept that absolutely no one knows what the hell they're doing today and try again tomorrow.

[envy_the_sinners]

[Coddling language would likely only serve to frustrate Scar, anyway.]

Things as they are now are for the best, and I have recognized that. Logically, I know that they should not be fixed.

I am mostly angry that I was foolish enough that anything could be different just because of this "new" life.

[ignisinfernale]

[ He does seem like quite the doting father but when it comes to things that need to Get Done, papa's not gonna be nice. ]

Don't beat yourself up for it
Things look different here but it sure as hell doesn't mean time stopped completely.
Whatever was shit back home's shit here and you'll have to fix it yourself
What happened anyway?

[envy_the_sinners]

[*muffled sound of Scar's eyes practically rolling into the back of his head*]

I have no need for self righteous dramatics. I do not need anyone to tell me what life is like.

If you have nothing to add but a childish and simplified worldview of "life is awful, suck it up," there is no use to your responding at all.

I made this post because I have nobody else to speak to, and have never had the outlet of a public network before now.

[anexcitableboy]

You're the one going on about how you fucked up and can't fix it and you wanna go home. That's pretty damn dramatic, you know.

Oh bullshit. The childish point of view is that no matter what, everything will be okay and you can fix anything you break. But you can't. It sucks. But it's just how things are. What good does moaning and weeping over it and examining it real close do? It never did me any damn good, or anybody else I ever saw fall into that pit.

Sorry I'm not candy coating anything, but you sound like you could a dose of the hard reality coming from somewhere that wasn't your own head. And if all you got from what I said was 'life is awful, suck it up', you just wanna be upset and miserable.

[envy_the_sinners]

I do not want to try to fix it because I know that I should not. If that it what you call wanting to be miserable, then yes, that is all this is.

You, meanwhile, are only succeeding at sounding like you are desperate to tell some fool on the network the "harsh truth" because it makes you feel better about whatever string of mistakes you have made.

Everything may not be okay, but forgive me if the tired "get up and try again" advice has begun to sound trite and childish.

[anexcitableboy]

...if you don't even want to try to fix it, why are you so beat up over it? If it's not worth trying to put back, why's it even worth being sad over? I'm not being a rhetoric ass, I'm asking you honest questions here.

Buddy, if you don't try and get up and keep going, what the hell other option is there? There isn't one. At least not one that won't hurt everybody you give any shits about at all.

I don't think you're some fool, I think you're a messed up guy who's in a lot of pain and thrashing around and getting defensive when he's not hearing what he wants to hear right now.

[anon text]

[unkinder]

[Well then.]

What do you intend to do about it, then?

[anon text]

[envy_the_sinners]

I do not know. There is no real choice in the matter; trying to mend this would be the wrong thing to do, and that is also my own fault. I have no right to even feel badly, but I do.

[anon text]

[unkinder]

If this is a situation that truly cannot be fixed, then there's no point in concerning yourself with it any longer, even if it is your own fault. You'll suffer far less heartache, that way.

[Which ignores the fact that maybe Scar can't help but worry and feel bad about it.]

[anon text]

[envy_the_sinners]

It is impossible to stop thinking on it with so little distraction.

[Unfortunately, Scar is used to some very extreme distraction in the case of burying his emotions. Pokélife is too easy and Scar is way too unused to the normal emotional hiccups of day to day life.]

I have extensively tried not to concern myself with it.

[envy_the_sinners]

[Beating himself up over things is one of Scar's greatest talents, unfortunately. That and being a drama queen in the process.]

It is difficult to describe.

[At least while maintaining some modicum of anonymity.]

The only details of true importance are that I went against my better judgement and made a bad situation worse for it.

[envy_the_sinners]

But there reaches a point at which the mistakes so greatly outnumber the positive things that there is something fundamentally wrong.

[anon text]

[unkinder]

[If nothing else, Nagi can understand struggling to distract yourself. It's easy to get into a rut here. It;s...very routine.]

Is discussing it here helping you at all, then?

[envy_the_sinners]

I do wish that I could, but it would be the wrong choice. What I want does not matter.

[But that doesn't really make him stop feeling shitty about it, regardless.]

This was foolish. I should not have said anything.

[nullorvoid]

[It's fortunate, maybe, that this is over text; it keeps Scar from hearing the light swear that got out of him, anyway.

Damn it.]

I'm not going to try to be cute and say that there's no such thing as normal or anything, I've met all sorts of people and there's definitely some standard for "normal" just like there's a standard for "weird as hell" and there's a standard for "messed up", I get all that and I'm not going to be all twee at you and tell you that everything's fine if it's not, because people who aren't normal can usually tell that they aren't and arguing otherwise is just going to waste our time.

There's nothing "fundamentally wrong" with you, though. People can be weird or messed up, sure, and sometimes that goes back a long way. But people can't be fundamentally wrong, and that includes you.

[anexcitableboy]

[Jimmy sighs. Okay, maybe he's making too many assumptions and he's talking to a kid. The whole 'nothing anyone can say can help' attitude might just be a case of not knowing better.]

Hey, come on, there's no need for all that. You've obviously got something you want to make better than it is and you don't know how. So you asked for help. In a kind of not-productive way, but whatever. Maybe you don't know how to do that, lots of people don't. But that doesn't mean you should have kept your mouth shut.

And let me tell you a little something I learned the hard way: until it's over and done, nobody ever knows what the right or wrong choice is.

text;

[ladywithnovoice]

How do you know that it can't be fixed?

[anon text]

[envy_the_sinners]

No.

[Sorry, Nagi.]

It is only serving as a source of greater frustration.

[And he's seriously considering just ignoring that he posted anything. Because... Scar.]